


It feels right

by VanillaMostly



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Post-AYITL, Rory-centric with a dash of Rogan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 08:06:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17915039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanillaMostly/pseuds/VanillaMostly
Summary: “Mom, I don’t know what happened to me.” "Life happened to you."





	It feels right

 

It’s ironic. She wanted to be free, that’s why she turned down his proposal, and now she IS free as a bird, hopping from one country to the next, racking up all her Mileage points. She has no _full-time job_ , that’s how free she is. She has no permanent _home,_ that’s how free she is. Oh yes, she’s very free. In a way, she got what she wanted. Only at thirty-two, it turns out traveling around the world in search of a career breakthrough isn’t all that it’s jacked up to be.

 

This is why she can't ask for anything more. She’s still deeply attached to him - Mom was right, she can’t quit Logan, not even almost a decade. But she has to let him go. He belongs in that world, and no matter how much he dislikes his father or how much he complains- he _fits_ there. And he has talent - Mitchum knew this - talent and potential he can really live up to, opportunities Rory would die to have, and it’s all there, wrapped up in a beautiful box for him. He can’t just turn his back on all of that, for her. And she can’t meld into his world for him. She fits better into her grandparents’ world than her mother ever did, but she’s still that Stars Hollow kid at heart. This conflict was always there, Rory knows; it’s been staring at her in the face ever since the disastrous dinner at the Huntzbergers. Or the disastrous dinner with Jess. Or the morning he left for London. _Just tell me not to go, Ace._ She can’t do that. She wants what’s best for him. And what’s best for him isn’t what’s best for her.

 

They’re great together, and they’ve had some really great times. But it’s the right thing to do, she tells herself, as she watches him leave for the last time… truly the last time, she swears. She’s done messing with Logan’s life.

 

She does a good job holding back her tears till he’s gone.

 

-

 

Life seems to enjoy playing mean tricks on her though.

 

A million questions fly through her head as she stares at the pregnancy test in her hand. She double-checks and triple-checks, but the answer’s the same every time. She allows herself to panic. It’s a good thing she has no pressing responsibilities other than the Stars Hollow Gazette which can pretty much run itself, and a book she’s writing according to her own deadlines. She has plenty of time to freak out properly.

 

She doesn’t tell anyone at first. It’s partly denial, and partly her own issues when it comes to disclosing information that disappoints people in her life. It’s very juvenile, but it’s true. Everyone’s always had such high hopes for her. She’s their perfect Rory. Perfect Rory is not supposed to get knocked up by an ex who’s engaged to someone else. But she’s also pretty sure perfect Rory isn’t supposed to be living back home in her thirties, so really. Maybe no one will be surprised.

 

She tries to sort it out on her own. The biggest question is, will she keep it? Because if she doesn’t, then no one really has to find out about it. She’s an adult, after all. She can make these decisions on her own. And anyway - she likes kids fine, but she’s never imagined having her _own_ , even under normal circumstances. She’s still emotionally scarred from the time Sherry was in labor with Gigi.

 

But in her heart, Rory knows she can’t do it. She’s always been pro-choice and was never very religious (her mother raised her to only worship one thing, and that’s coffee), but the instinct is too strong. She can’t have an abortion. Her very own existence is a direct result of her mother’s choice to carry out an unwanted pregnancy.

 

There’s a lot of people she dreads giving the news to: the father of the baby is one; Luke, who still thinks she’s as innocent as a school-aged child; Emily, who will most certainly blame Lorelai; even her grandfather will somehow find out in the afterlife and have another heart attack, probably.

 

But Mom ranks the hardest, somehow.

 

She’s also the person Rory feels the most desperate need to tell. So here goes nothing.

 

-

 

The initial brunt of it doesn’t go over very well. Lorelai is shocked into silence of almost a full minute and then she stutters for another two, but eventually she calms down. Rory knows her mother is holding back a lot of well-placed judgement and dismay, but there’s something to be said when your mother has been in your shoes. Lorelai only says what Rory is most grateful to hear: “It’ll be okay, kid.”

 

They sit on the steps of the gazebo for a while, Rory burying her face in her mother’s shoulder as Lorelai strokes her hair. She wishes she can just stay in this safe cocoon forever. But of course it can’t last. 

 

It isn’t until the end of the night that they have a longer conversation in Rory’s room. And her mother is incredible. She listens to Rory ruminate all her mistakes from this whole year. She listens to a recount of the night in New Hampshire, of the visit with Christopher. She listens to Rory gripe about her fear that she can’t do this. That’s when Lorelai cuts in.

 

“Um, you forget who you’re talking to here? Teenage runaway. High school dropout. Raised-you-in-a-tool-shed. Ring a bell?”

 

“Yeah, but Mom.  _You_ did all of that. I’m not you.“

 

“Rory. I’m not comparing you to me. I’ve always known you weren’t me, which is really unfortunate by the way because I was hoping for my own clone Orphan Black style. Anyway, I’m talking about you- my Rory. Who knew she wanted to fly around the world and investigate genocides and Gulf Wars and bomb raids in Middle East trenches like Christina Amanpour since she was four. Who was falling behind at Chilton and crying to me about a C on her paper but graduated valedictorian. Who dropped out of Yale but went back and worked her butt off and was editor of the _Yale Daily News_ -”

 

“-and failed to get a _New York Times_ byline since then and failed at every relationship, and, apparently, failed at birth control.”

 

“Well, birth control isn’t perfect. One of the worst conspiracies of the modern-age era. See, I have this theory-“

 

“Mom,” Rory interjects, “I don’t know what happened to me.”

 

“Life happened to you.” Lorelai just smiles at her. “Look… nobody’s perfect. I’m not. I know Christopher made it sound like I’m some sort of superwoman and things couldn’t have turned out any better, but he’s wrong. I love you and I love our relationship, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but Rory- I was sixteen. I had _no_ idea what I was really doing. I tried not to look back, tried not to doubt myself, but it was so, so hard. If I’d done things differently- you could’ve had a father growing up. You could’ve had both sets of grandparents. You could’ve had a pony, or gone to the pre-K version of Chilton, or twirled around in a ball gown and a tiara every birthday-“

 

“Thanks for sparing me that-“

 

“You know where I’m going with this? I’ll never know if what I did was right. I just did what _felt_ right at the time.”

 

“I think it was right, Mom.”

 

“Let’s hope so, because it’s too late for a re-do.”

 

Rory is quiet.

 

“Mom- what should I do?”

 

“You know I can’t tell you, honey.” Lorelai kisses Rory on the forehead. “But I have a feeling you’ll figure it out.”

 

-

 

She chews her pen cap. It is a disgusting habit, but it’s her newfound stress relief.

 

Her letter to Logan is on its tenth draft. She should just give up. She’s been wasting too much stationery on this, and it’s taking away time from her book. It shouldn’t be difficult. She really just has to tell him two words, _I’m pregnant,_ and he’s smart. He’ll piece together the rest. She’s not sure what’s the etiquette of telling someone he’s about to be a dad, except that she’s pretty sure it’s tacky to do it over text.

 

She’s so tempted to just… _not_ tell him. It’s not like he would find out, seeing as how he’s an ocean away, and they’ve made it a very final goodbye last time. What’s the worst that can happen?

 

He’ll find out one day like Luke did. And her kid will be April.

 

Try as she might, Rory knows she can’t avoid this. Her mother might have decided to raise Rory by herself, but Christopher _did_ know he was a father. And he _did_ have a choice. He chose to stay away. Rory is well-prepared for the same reaction from Logan, considering what he has to lose, and it actually doesn’t worry her. After the talk with her mother - and subsequent awkward, painful conversations with Luke and Emily - Rory knows she won’t be doing it alone. Her family and her friends, and this little town, will help her.

 

She has to give Logan that choice, at least. But dear God. When was this _surprise, I’m having a baby_ speech going to get easier?

 

The doorbell rings again. Rory groans in irritation. Her mom and Luke are still away on their honeymoon, and they’d have a key, so it’s not them. The only explanation is the UPS carrier can’t get the hint and just leave the package on the porch.

 

She shuffles to the door, and when she opens it, she thinks for a minute she’s hallucinating.

 

But it’s him alright. Logan in all his blonde glory. He looks more tired and scruffy than she’s seen him in a while (maybe the last time he looked like this, he was lying in a hospital with a broken leg), but his smile is too familiar, that sheepish, crinkly-eyed smile. And he says, “Ace.”

 

She swallows that lump that suddenly appears in her throat. “Come in,” she croaks.

 

-

 

She hands him a cup of coffee, and he talks, at a rushed rambling speed that would make Lorelai proud. He tells her he’s come to his senses. He left Odette and he left his father’s company, and he’s just absolutely done. Done with the whole Huntzberger business. And don’t worry, he has a game plan. He’s got some money saved and he can crash at Finn’s while he searches for a new job. He’ll take anything at this point; even something janitorial would be a relief just knowing he won’t have to listen to another word from Mitchum for the rest of his life.

 

Rory listens with increasing dread. Especially when he finishes with, “I’m sorry, Rory, but I couldn’t let it go. I’m still in love with you.”

 

She stares at him. It’s a raw, honest confession, and it’s probably what a part of her wanted to hear ever since they reconnected in Hamburg. It should be the perfect solution to her current predicament. But she finds herself shaking her head. “ _No. You can’t._ ”

 

She starts pacing.

 

“It’s the adrenaline rush, Logan. You’re not thinking right. Hollywood has poisoned your mind. This is the kind of script Doyle was telling me about, you know, they make you think ruining your life for your soulmate or whatever is romantic, which is just-“

 

“Ruining my life? Rory, I _was_ ruining my life, by going through with all this. If I married Odette I’d have ruined my life.“

 

“That’s what you think now, because you’re just high on the momentum of your madness, okay, once you sleep on it you’ll see-“

 

“Rory. _Listen._ ”

 

She takes a shaky breath, and crosses her arms, nodding.

 

“I didn’t do all this for you. I mean, yes, I did come here, and I told you I love you, but that’s only because I’ll regret it forever if I never told you. If I didn’t fight for another chance.” He rakes his hands through his hair, sighing. “And you don’t owe me anything. You really don’t. That was my biggest mistake, trying to pressure you into doing something you didn’t want ten years ago, and just walking away when you said no. You can send me away this time. I swear, I won’t come back and harass you again. But I’m not going back to my father or Odette. I’m not going back to that life, Rory. I never liked it. I wasn’t happy. I was suffocating in it. I kept waiting for a way out, and then I realized the other day, I don’t need to wait. So I just left. I did that for me. And yeah, it’s big. It won’t be easy. But I think I can do it, on my own. I did it before in California. This time I’m making it stick.” He looks at her intently. "I know you think I'll regret it, but I don't. Doing this... It just _feels_ right, you know?"

 

Rory smiles a little. "I know," she says softly.

 

“So… you don’t have to feel guilty, okay,” says Logan. “You don’t have to feel anything.”

 

Rory's silent.

 

“Rory? Would you like me to leave?”

 

She looks at him, and slowly, deliberately shakes her head. “I have to tell you something, too,” she says.

 

 

 

_End_

 


End file.
